


What doesn't kill you, might make you stronger

by ErynScarlet



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, I need a hug, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Stupidity written on no sleep, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:27:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21975079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErynScarlet/pseuds/ErynScarlet
Summary: She’s heard the saying, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but she doesn’t feel anything but broken.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	What doesn't kill you, might make you stronger

Darkness. Fire reflected off the pane of glass separating the young girl from the surrounding astral bodies. Each time she closed her eyes, she was there. Thrown, back and forth, explosions sending the small ship off course as it maneuvered itself around the crumbling planet. A ship matching hers became nothing more than a speck of dust as it flew away, leaving her behind to watch. Her home, her school, her family, crumbling before her as she flew helplessly away. Explosions rang out, the blast reverberating through her skull as her eyes shot open.

She hasn’t left yet. She hasn’t found a reason too. She’s heard the saying, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but she doesn’t feel anything but broken. she thought shed felt broken before. Nothing compared to this. Nothing could have prepared her for the pain she was feeling. No amount of Kryptonite could compare to the brokenness in her soul. The green haze surrounding her, keeping her contained in the fortress felt necessary. She lost the will to make herself believe that this wasn’t where she should be.

_I_ _’m not a villain._

_You should never have treated me like one._

She was right. Lena isn’t the villain. She is. She broke her best friend. She spent four years making her believe she wasn’t the Luthor the public thought she was, seeing every side the woman showed her, only to keep her other side hidden away. Away from the person, she could honestly say she cared about the most. Sure, Alex taught what it meant to be human, but Lena reminded her how to be a Zor-El. Even when she didn’t know what she was doing. Everyone that knew who she was, only saw her for one thing. Her strength. The way bullets bounced off her like bouncy balls. They only saw her as someone who could do so much, that her human side didn’t matter. To them, Kara Danvers was in the shadows, and Supergirl was what mattered.

But not with Lena.

Never with Lena.

With the young CEO, Kara could be just that. Kara. The up and coming reporter, eager to learn. To make a name for herself as Kara Danvers. With Lena, it was almost as though her Supergirl side didn’t exist. And maybe that’s what kept Kara from telling her.

No. There was more to it than that. More than smiles, hugs, laughter, and being human kept Kara from telling her.

As a hero, how she could be considered that she had no idea, she had hundreds of people that wanted her dead. An entire fortress her pod dragged 27.1 lightyears, was filled with people that wanted her dead, solely because she was a Zor-El. An entire organization wanted her dead. CADMUS has been targeting her, more importantly, Lena, for the past three years. How could Kara tell her best friend she was the city’s caped crusader when there were so many people that could use her against the symbol of hope.

People were not only after her though. Lena’s own family wanted her dead, only because she wouldn’t join them in their anti-alien tirade against the city. Against the world. She was condemned to a life of shame and fighting because of them. Carrying the Luthor name for most of her life, she has spent countless hours fighting the legacy they forced her into. But no matter how hard she fought, Kara could see that she was the only one on the brunettes’ side.

But she can’t be.

Not anymore at least.

She doesn’t deserve it.

So, she sits. Her back rests painfully against the wall of the fortress’s defenses, the Kryptonite stinging across her shoulder blades. But she doesn’t move. She shoves the bubbling claustrophobia away as she reaches into her suit pocket, pulling out a signal watch. Flipping the lid, she stares angrily at the sigil surrounded in a soft blue glow. The symbol of hope. A pillar of justice. She is supposed to be the symbol of truth. But she’s a liar.

The watch shatters, pieces scattering against the fortress floor.

Breathing heavily, the blonde sits back against the wall of the fortress. There’s blood on the wall, but she broke it. For days she sat in the bubble, the Kryptonite slowly weakening her to the point they were barely there. She felt it when they were about to be gone completely, so she started punching the wall, knowing it would hurt. She also knew she would have just enough left in her to break the wall, before collapsing through to the other side. Reaching the panel, she shut off the defenses but was also completely powerless.

Deciding to go home, the powerless hero used the fortress computer, sending a signal to her sister at the DEO, claiming she had been researching for the past few days and lost track of time. As soon as they got through the portal in the DEO, she left under the guise of getting some rest.

Her apartment felt empty. Family photos lined the walls, some on bookshelves. Some on side tables. But the one that matters; she held that one while she sits on the fire escape, her legs dangling over the edge. One hand, held the picture, while the other pulled the thin sweater she wore tighter around herself.

_What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I’m sorry, but this is killing me._

Climbing through the window, the blond moves around her apartment gather supplies. A book, an envelope, a sweater, her tape recorder, and a photograph sealed in a box with neat lettering sits next to the door. It’s midday, the perfect time to finish her plan. Pulling on some shoes, grabbing her keys and the box, the blonde leaves her apartment, making her way to the post office.

* * *

Work. Distracting herself from the absolute fuckery that is her life at the moment, the brunette drowns herself in work.

No matter how hard she’s fought, how many times she has helped save everyone, she will always be a Luthor in the eyes of society. Hester Prynne has nothing on her, the Luthor name stamping more than just herself. She isn’t even the reason for such distaste in her last name, not even being born to it. But she continues to fight anyway.

Dozens of files, emails, documents, she fills out everything. Pulling the top file from her fifth stack, she gets interrupted by her intercom.

“Miss Luthor.” Her assistant's voice crackles through the machine.

“I thought I asked not to be disturbed.” The CEO states, voice cold as she begins reading the first page of a proposal from R&D.

“I apologize, but you have a package. No return address, but security says it is safe. Would you like me to bring it to you?” The hesitance in her assistance voice annoys her, but the minimal information intrigues the brunette.

“Bring it in.”

A young girl with short brown hair comes into the room carrying a somewhat large box.

“Where would you like it?” She asks.

“Set it on the table over there.” Lena moves from her chair, crossing the room. Stepping up beside her assistant she examines the box. Neat writing addresses Lena at L-Corp. She can’t tell who it is from, because although everything is written in marker, it looks as though it was done on a computer. Each letter printed as though they were being typed up on a word document, providing no indications as to who could have sent her the package.

“Thank you.” She says before sending the young girl back to her desk outside. Curiosity getting the best of her, she goes to her desk for a box cutter, the blade slicing through the thin packing tape with ease. Returning the knife, she unfolds the flaps of the box. Sitting crisp and clean on top is a blank envelope, beneath it is a photograph resting on the arms of a folded-up sweater. Under the sleeves is a leather book with a tree on it, bound by a buckle type clasp. The way the sleeves are folded makes it look as though a person were in it, hugging the book between the layers of fabric. White letters peek out from beneath the book, contrasting minimally against soft grey of the sweater itself.

Plucking the envelope from the top of the box, she gets a better look at the picture sitting underneath. It’s a picture of her. She’s sitting in Kara’s apartment, surrounded by dozens of Christmas lights, her silver dress reflects their soft glow. She’s looking past whoever it is taking the photo. She doesn’t even remember the photo being taken. She does, however, remember the night this would have been taken. Sam and Kara had been hinting at something between herself and James, and she had been denying it. Flipping the card over, she recognized the handwriting of one Kara Danvers.

_The night I realized what you meant to me._

Moving the book out of the way, she could fully make out the bold letters, NCU. National City University. The school Kara went to. Turning the envelope over, there was a small donut sticker holding it closed. While she wanted nothing to do with the reporter at the moment, she couldn’t help but wonder why she had sent this stuff. So, she popped the sticker off the back, pulling out 2 folded sheets of paper.

* * *

_Dear Lena._

_If you are receiving this, and actually taking the time to go through it all, thank you. I know I deserve nothing from you anymore. After everything that has happened, there is nothing that I can say, or do, that would compel you to want to hear what I have to say, so I won’t try. All I can do now is hope you get this, and at some point, open it. while the picture and sweater may mean nothing to you, they mean everything to me. And I hope my journal will help you understand my point of view. I am not going to say you have to, but I would like for you to read it._

_No, it is not an invasion of privacy, I am permitting you. I know how much you worry about overstepping._

_You don’t have to worry about overstepping anymore. There isn’t a line anymore. I thought I had felt pain before, but this showed me a level I never imagined. And it is all my fault. I once said Kara Danvers was a mistake. After the Daxamites attacked the city (I still do not blame you), and I had to send Mon-El away, I thought there was nothing that could be worse than losing the person I loved._

_But I didn’t know what love really was._

_Love is something that, you know it when you feel it. Hell, I don’t know how to explain it, and I felt it. I didn’t understand the term ‘butterflies in my stomach’ until I met you. I never thought someone as amazing, talented, and beautiful as you could exist. But here you are. Fighting far stronger than any human I have ever met, even when so much is stacked against you._

_Anyway, I’m getting off-topic. I had once said that Kara Danvers was a mistake. But I was wrong about that too. She was the better part of me. The me I wish I could have been._ _The part I wish was all of me. I wish I didn’t have the Supergirl side of me. But alas, I did. And here we are because of her. Because of me. All because I fell for the most amazing person in the galaxy and lied to her._

_Now I know what I should have said all those years ago._

_Kara Zor-El was a mistake._

_I’m sure you have looked over the contents of the box, wondering why the hell I have sent them to you, instead of trying to come myself._

_I am respecting your wishes._

_I am staying away. For good._

_Whether you have looked or not, inside the box is this letter (obviously), a photograph, my journal, my NCU sweater, and my tape recorder. While I quite imagine you can see what each item is, reading some of them for what they are, I will tell you what they are to me, should you choose to read this._

_The photograph of you is one I took at the Christmas party Alex and I put together. You were sitting at the counter. It had looked like you were staring into the distance. Until I realized you were watching James. At the time, I hadn’t realized how much you meant to me, denying the flutters I would get when you would walk into the room, or how much I didn’t want our hugs to end. Just after I snapped the picture, Sam joined you, and she and I joked about dating James. A few days after that, you had come to us saying we were right, and that you and James were together. While that didn’t phase me at the time, I grew to envy him._

_It was the small things. The way he would get to spend time with you. How our lunches would be cut short. Or they would be canceled. When I would have a bad day, I couldn’t call you. Game nights weren’t as fun when we couldn’t beat everyone together, our unstoppable team having been separated. But I pushed it all down. Because you were happy. And I was lying to you. I didn’t deserve you. I never did._

And I never will.

_The NCU sweater. It’s the one I always let you borrow when we would watch movies at my apartment. I would always give you that one when you would spend the night because it looked so much better on you than me. Sure, you have more brains than NCU would know what to do with, but that’s not the point. I loved how the sleeves were too long for you, so I had to fold them for you. I loved how you would pull the hood over your head, pretending to hide when I would make stupid jokes._

_It seems stupid, but I would sit with that hoodie beside me after you left for the day. I could still feel your warmth. I could hear the laughter you normally hide from the world. I got to see that smile only a select few have ever seen, and I would wish I could see it more. But it would only happen in my apartment. When you were wearing my sweater. So, I would hold onto the mental image, until I could see it again._

_I only hope you find someone else who makes you smile like that. I know that will never again be me._

_My journal. It has everything. Anything you may want to know about me is in it. At first, I filled it with what I could remember of Krypton. The stories I was told as a child, some of the lullabies my mother would sing to me. Some of my fondest memories._

_After that, I get into when I became Supergirl. There is a whole page about my first act as the Girl of Steel. Each entry is something I did as the new hero of National City, and how much I thought my life couldn’t get any better. Until I met you. I would write about how people distrust you for no reason. I wrote all the times I fought for you, not that they matter anymore, but I would be so mad at the end of the day that I would just rant. About you. About how the world should see how good you are. About how you should see how good you are. How smart you are. How much good I know you are going to for the world. I know you said I am not allowed to say anything about who are what you are anymore, but I hope you will see what I had to say before I messed everything up._

_My last entry is for tomorrow, November 21 st. I don’t know when, or if you will read it. But when you do, all I can say is I’m sorry._

_Moving to the final item, my tape recorder. The one you gave me after our trip to Kaznia. You probably didn’t see it at first, did you? It’s in the sweater pocket. You had to replace mine after Eve tried to stab you, my old one taking the blow. Saving you when I couldn’t. I don’t know what compelled me to have you hold on to it, but I am forever grateful that I did. I don’t know what would have happened if I had lost you while I was fighting other Eve’s._

_That is not the point though. There is one recording on it. Something I put together for you, that I had hoped to one day show you, but was always too scared to. So, I recorded it hoping I would one day have the confidence to give it to you._

_I finally have it. But I don’t know for sure if you will listen. I guess I will never know._

_Anyway. Now that I have said all I needed to say, regardless of whether or not you read or listened to anything, I can finish what I started yesterday._

_I am truly sorry for everything, and I hope you find someone who can be as true to you as you were with me, and I hope one day you find someone worth learning to trust again._

_I can go happily knowing I can no longer lie to you. I can go happily knowing that I knew you and had the pleasure of meeting a truly magnificent Luthor._

_Thank you for giving me everything I did not deserve._

_Goodbye,_

_Kara Zor-El Danvers._

* * *

Reaching into the box, Lena pulled out the journal, flipping through random pages. Some were filled to the brim with words while others were only half-filled. One page, in particular, seemed to be split in half, as well as covered in tear stains. Looking at the date, she tried to recall what had happened that particular day that would have made the blonde cry.

_I almost lost Lena earlier. I have never been so scared in my life. I can’t believe Edge. Poisoning Lena like that, just to frame her for something she didn’t do. I don’t know what I would have don’t if Alex couldn’t save her. I would be broken. I couldn’t even compare it to losing Krypton, because it would have been worse. She does so much good, but people can’t seem to see past her last name. Why can’t people get to know the real Lena before trying to lump her in with the other Luthor’s?_

_I can only thank Alex for being able to save her. Without her, I wouldn’t have been able to help Lena, and I don’t know how I would have reacted. I just wish I could have helped more._

_[_ _Second Half]_

_A second time? In one day? Rao can I please wrap her in bubble wrap and hide her from the world. I can’t keep listening to her, willing to sacrifice herself. She told me to drop her, just so I could carry the chemicals. She thinks her life is worth that little that I would choose a city over her. While I would not want anything to happen to this city, I want nothing to happen to her. She is to good for this world, I’m starting to think we don’t deserve her. Rao what makes her think I would ever drop her. I’m going to do whatever I can a Kara, and as Supergirl, to protect her from those who doubt her. I will help her see how good she is._

Lena didn’t know how to react to all of this information. She had a box of a few things from Kara, with detailed explanations for each. She hadn’t realized how much a simple sweatshirt meant to the blonde reporter. Sitting at her desk, she decided to leave reading more of the journal for later. Glancing at the time on her laptop, the small numbers read 4:15 in the afternoon. That meant she had plenty of time left to finish a stack or two more paperwork before leaving.

She wasn’t sure what Kara meant for her to do with the stuff. Sure, the brunette was interested in how it felt to be Supergirl for the first time, learning how to use her powers for good, but it also reminded her that she was lied to for three years by said hero.

Trusting Kara felt so easy, the bubbly blondes’ personality making her the right amount of charming and friendly. Moving to National City, Lena had been reeling from Andrea’s betrayal, promising to stay away from making friends, not trusting in the validity of the bond that would create. She couldn’t help what she took from her experience with Andrea. No matter how friendly a person seems, not everyone could be trusted. Especially not the way she wholeheartedly trusted her ex-best friend. That is what made making friends so much harder for her. Not only was she burdened by the Luthor name, weighing her down just fine on its own, dragging her through the mud no matter how hard she fought it. Alongside her last name stood the idea that Lena had no idea who she could trust. And that scared her. While she planned to run L-Corp without making any friends, strictly business relationships, she couldn’t help but to be drawn to the blonde assistant turned reporter.

Even when Kara saved her company from a hackers’ nearly released documents on some of L-Corps secret projects, Lena was determined to keep their relationship-related only to business. For the first few weeks, Kara stood by that, only coming to her for interviews, or to see what she had to say about a draft.

But all of that flew out the window the first time Lena succumbed to the inner voice telling her to let the reporter in. Kara was fully prepared to walk away from her, to leave her alone the way she was silently not so silently requesting. She couldn’t help but smile at the way Kara’s smile had grown when Lena offered for her to stay and chat. She had known she was doomed from then on. How she wishes she could turn back time. But it is too late for that, and what’s done is done. All they can do is figure out how to heal and move forward. With how she sees things now, Lena suspects they will end up only crossing paths at the DEO, should they ever ask for her help again. 

A loud knock on her door interrupted her signing the last document of the final stack on her desk. Finishing her signature, she looked to the door, wondering who could be wanting to see her at – looking at her laptop – 8 at night on a Thursday.

“Who is it?” She called, moving the journal to her purse. Getting up from her chair, she picked up the box, setting it on the far side of her desk while she awaited an answer from whoever it was that just interrupted her.

“Miss Luthor it’s Alex.”

“Come in then.” The CEO huffed, pulling her suit jacket tighter around herself. The door opened slowly to the agent wiping her eyes with the back of her sleeve.

“Miss Luthor- “Please, call me Lena. You’re crying for god’s sake, at least use my name.”

“Lena, sorry. I thought I could stop long enough to tell you but, I’m sorry.” Alex sniffed again, covering her face with her hands.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know how to tell you this.”

“If you are here to tell me Kara is Supergirl, and that’s what’s got you a blubbering mess, save it. I already know. Lex told me when I shot him.”

“What-? No, that’s not what I came here for. Wait? You’ve known this whole time? Wait, that’s not the point. Uhm.. its Kara.”

“What about her. She sent me this box of stuff I haven’t felt the need to do anything more with.”

“What? Never mind, that doesn’t matter now, you need to come with me.”

“And why would I do that.”

“Please. Just come with me.”

“Where do you intend to take me.”

“The DEO, please just come on.” The redhead turned to leave, not turning to see if Lena was even following. Grabbing her purse and phone off the porcelain desk, Lena decided to follow the agent. They probably only needed her at the DEO to help solve some alien problem. Besides, it was late enough, and she finished more than enough work for the next two days she could easily go home early.

* * *

When they get to the DEO, Lena follows Alex to the command hub.

“What problem are we solving this time Agent Danvers?” The CEO asks setting her bag down beside her on the floor.

“This umm. This problem we can’t fix.” The director says sadly, looking to the man across the table from her.

“Then why have you brought me here, wasting my time?” She asks, looking between Alex and Brainy. Standing there waiting for someone to answer her question, she is met by silence. After a few minutes of watching two agents stare at the table in front of them, an older blonde woman walks into the command center, eyes rimmed red, a small plastic pack of tissues nearly crushed in one hand.

“What is going on?” Lena asks, recognizing the woman as Eliza. Kara showed her pictures of her adoptive mother from around her apartment and old scrapbooks.

“Supergirl is gone,” Brainy says from beside her, having moved around the table to stand beside her.

“What do you mean? Isn’t she nearly invulnerable?” the brunette asks, confused. “Isn’t Kryptonite the only thing that can hurt her? Who got their hands on it?”

“She did.”

Nothing the group was telling her was making any sense, not that they were saying much.

“Where is she?” She asks. Without saying anything, Alex motions for the Luthor to follow her down the winding corridors of the DEO, leading her towards the medical rooms.

Lena had seen death before. At a meager four years old, the young girl had watched her mother drown. She watched as her mother happily swam around the lake, diving under. She was gone far longer than any normal person should be. Four-year-old Lena watched as her mother went underwater, only to never come back up. She watched as her father slowly deteriorated, the sickness slowly spreading throughout his body. Until one day he didn’t wake up. Doctors said he died in his sleep. A peaceful way to go. Just by looking at him, they couldn’t see a difference. Sure, he looked more peaceful than he usually did, but he was asleep. And they were children. But sure enough, he was gone too, and Lena was left with Lillian.

Neither prepared her for what she was about to walk in on, however. Stepping into Kara’s usual room, there were no sunlamps. There were no red sunlamps. There was no heart monitor, no respirator, no equipment whatsoever. Just a bed, Kara, and a sheet covering her body. Looking behind her, Alex was standing in the doorway, physically refusing to step any closer. Locking eyes, Lena could see the sorrow and misery in the director before the older girl turned to leave.

Turning back to the bed in the middle of the room, Lena paced the short distance between herself and Kara, reaching slowly for the sheet covering her. Pulling it back, she was met by a sickly green-skinned Kara, laying peacefully.

Throwing the sheet back overtop, they brunette stormed out of the room.

“What the hell happened?” She nearly screamed as she paced back into the hub.

“She swallowed Kryptonite. There is no telling how she got it, or why she did what she did, but that’s how director Danvers found her twenty minutes ago.” Brainy said sadly, walking out of the room, tears streaming down his face.

_My last entry is for tomorrow, November 21st. I don’t know when, or if you will read it. But when you do, all I can say is I’m sorry._

Pulling the journal out of her purse, the brunette frantically turned to the last entry in the nearly full book.

_It’s currently November 21 st. After a few days of sitting, I decided to leave the fortress. I am kind of glad I let the Kryptonite drain my powers. After everything that has happened, I don’t deserve them anymore._

_I’m not going to say I wish things turned out differently because no matter what, I lied to Lena. No matter when I would have tried to tell her, I would have messed up, and we would be in this situation. Therefore, I have decided that Kara Danvers is no more. Supergirl is no more. They have done more than enough damage together, as well as on their own and I don’t want to cause any more unnecessary harm to those I care about._

_With that being said, this will be my last entry. My last communication with anyone, should she choose to read this, as well as the last time I hurt the people around me._

_As of November 21 st, 7:30 p.m.,_

_Kara Zor-El is no more._

“This is my fault” she whispered.

“What? How?” Alex asked.

“I should have… I didn’t... I didn’t let her explain. I just… I’m so sorry Alex”

“What are you talking about.”

“When we went to the fortress a few days ago I- I locked her in there. I didn’t give her a chance to explain”

“What do you mean you locked her in there?” Alex asked angrily.

“I reprogrammed the fortress to keep her from stopping me from leaving. I was stupid and I let the anger and hurt consume me.” Sliding the journal to Alex, Lena turned to walk away from, everything really. She’s not sure where she is going, but she can’t stay here.

Thoughts plagued her mind as she walked away from the table. Each step she took brought her closer and closer to the edge of breaking down. She finally did it. She became the Luthor she always feared she would. The public was finally right about her, and she would do nothing to deny it. Everyone feared the Luthor’s for their xenophobia, and while most of it was how Lex consistently targeted the man of steel, they still directed an unfair share of it towards Lena, before she had even done anything. She hadn’t even planned on doing anything. But it didn’t matter anymore. The world would not see it that way. All they will see is a Luthor standing, while Supergirl is laid to rest the Kryptonian way. Realization dawned on the youngest of the dreaded Luthor clan as she made her way to the balcony of the DEO, 40 or more stories high.

Her last thought as she sat on the railing of the balcony, overlooking the city, was _I’m worse than Lex,_ before leaning forward.

**Breaking News: The Girl of Steel and Lena Luthor found Dead…**

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry this is so sad. I could not sleep one night, so this is written on 0 sleep, and a depressed brain.


End file.
